Lessons Learned

When I lived in Germany for a year back in 1994, I learned how to be more socially graceful.  I had left a frenetic Silicon Valley for a small town on the French border of Germany.  There I learned to include greetings in my emails instead of jotting off 1-2 incomplete sentences.  I also learned to stop and talk to people when I saw them.  I found it a very strange phenomenon when I walked through Saarbrucken with a German friend and we ran into a third friend and stopped to talk for a solid 10 minutes.  I asked my friend about this because I was used to waving or shouting “hi” from across the street to friends in passing.  He said that would be utterly rude in Germany.  You have to stop and have a conversation with a friend.  You can’t just give them a wave.  But what happens when you’re in a hurry, I asked.  He said you always have to leave early in case you run into someone.  Radical.  Leave early.  Just in case.  Socialize with a friend.  Wow.  And Germans are known for being punctual.  So they do manage to show up on time and still be social.  I learned a lot that year.  It was a time where the U.S. was trying to become “kinder and gentler” and I was too, but from lessons learned abroad.

When I lived in France for a year—the following year, after marrying John—I learned some more lessons.  Most importantly, I learned that manners and charm will get you a lot.  Back then, French waiters and shopkeepers were still rude, especially to Americans.  I had learned from a dear French teacher in Nice to never ever enter a store and merely say “bonjour.”  You had to say “Bonjour Madame” or “Bonjour Monsieur.”  That helped a lot.  I also learned from watching French people in action.  One of my fond memories was watching our rental agent meet John’s boss at the French law firm where he did an internship.  He was sponsoring us.  She called the boss “Maitre,” an esteemed address to a lawyer.  They both flirted with each other the entire time and we got the apartment we wanted with no troubles at all.  I also saw a French man checking in at the airport one time and learned a great deal from him.  His suitcase weighed more than the allotted amount.  He flirted with the airline agent and charmingly lifted the suitcase slightly so it appeared to weigh less.  Swept away with his charm, she let the suitcase on with no extra charge.  It had never occurred to me to try anything like that before.  I’m not sure if it works as well in the U.S. as it does in France, but it certainly is an effective way to get things done here.

This year, I am honing my charm.  I have done more reconnaissance to fine tune my skills.  My French friend has drummed it into my head that a smile makes a huge difference.  Just a side note on that.  It is very easy for Americans to smile and a little confusing as to why you wouldn’t smile.  For French, however, it doesn’t come naturally.  French people walk around with scowls on their faces.  They look angry, in my opinion.  When they give a smile, they really mean it.  They don’t give them away for free.  I am a very smiley person so it is an easy gesture for me.  In fact, it gets me into trouble because men see me smiling at them and get the wrong idea! 

I had a run in at a café near my house recently and found that charm and manners earned me a best buddy.  Elizabeth and I went to lunch at one of our regular spots, Le Soufflot.  A different waiter was there that day—a woman probably about my age or older.  I asked her if it was possible to order the “omelette complete” (ham, cheese, potatoes) without the cheese, just ham and potatoes.  She said that was fine.  When it showed up, however, it had cheese and potatoes.  I politely got her attention and told her the problem.  She argued and said that I had ordered cheese and potatoes.  I then explained that I was allergic to cheese so I didn’t order cheese and that I couldn’t eat it.  She gruffly said she’d go check to see what the order was, leaving the omelet there.  A few minutes later, she came back and, barely speaking to me, said that she’d replace the omelet and left, still with the omelet in front of me on the table.  I dipped into Elizabeth’s French fries and chicken while we waited to see if indeed I would get a new omelet.  Several minutes later the waitress swapped the omelets.

This is one of our favorite restaurants so I didn’t want to leave on bad terms.  When I got the bill, I placed a 2€ tip on the table in plain view before I got my credit card out.  I also told her that the omelet had been perfect and thanked her for it.  She warmed up instantly and we even chatted for a couple of minutes.  Then Elizabeth and I got up to leave.  Elizabeth bumped the table slightly as she stood up and the bottle of ketchup fell over and smashed onto the floor and sprayed everywhere.  I almost died.  The waitress smiled and said it was no problem at all. 

The three of us went back there to eat this week and she was there.  We had the best conversation for 5-10 minutes about the weather, how we had all caught colds, and how the French take the most antibiotics of anyone, and also the most antidepressants (she noted).  

I’ve learned that manners and charm help out a lot and they might go far back at home too.  I feel like Americans escalate things so quickly, forgetting that we’re all just people, and we all like to be treated nicely even if we make a mistake.  Here in France it’s slightly different because people are so worried about getting in trouble for making a mistake that they don’t want to admit it, thus the customer is rarely right.  But if you overlook that and help the person fix it, then everyone is happy in the end.